“If I could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be…….”
We have all uttered these words many times. It’s an interesting thought. One that everyone has had. Hell, there’s even a book of famous women writing letters to the younger versions of themselves, saying what they should or shouldn’t have done. It’s a novel concept (I love novel concepts) but depending on the day, the “one” thing could be different from what it was yesterday. I guess that means there is more than one thing. Of course there is. Human beings are incapable of making up their minds on anything, least of all the most important moment in their life. The very thought of it is preposterous. We’re idiots. Plain and simple.
Now, I’m sure we can all agree that if we are even the slightest bit happy with our current lives, family, and friends, than we likely wouldn’t change a single thing for fear that it could mess something up. You know, Doc. Browns space/time continuum thing. However, I am going to assume, for the sake of this post, that the “one” thing, oh who am I kidding, a couple of things I would change, won’t rip a hole in the fabric of time. I would still have all the same friends and family that I have today, with exactly the same personalities. I just want to change the way these things went down. My blog. My rules. So, for entertainment purposes only, I will move forward with these completely ludicrous, but true, scenarios. Enjoy.
If I could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be………..the day I ran over the squirrel while driving down School St. with Bob Burr, in 1988. I came around the bend in the road, by Bob Rybkas house, and there he was. Standing right in the middle of the road. Convinced that this stupid creature actually had enough smarts to run, I stomped on the gas and raced right for it. Of course, it was a just another stupid-ass squirrel, with no sense of self preservation, and it went nowhere. By the time I realized it was not gonna run, it was too late. He was toast. Ordinarily, the guilt of this event would have been enough, but it paled in comparison to how pissed off Bob was at me. “You are such an asshole” was likely the first words out of his mouth, and I had no defense. I remember trying to apologize to him for being so stupid. Nevermind the dead rodent, screw him. I was begging for forgiveness from my best friend in the world. Unfortunately, it was all in vain, as he was pissed at me all day. Although there would be a day, several years later, that would be the most pissed he ever got at me, the dead squirrel was definitely 2nd. Life is funny sometimes, just not that day.
If I could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be……….. the night I got, or almost got, my first hummer. I was so inexperienced in the field of sex at 16, as we all were. Well, most of us anyway. I just remember being at my girlfriends house, while her parents were gone, and we were in the basement. Things were progressing nicely. I gave the ball a drive. I rounded first and saw the ball going into the corner. As our hands began wandering into the abyss, I saw the ball get away from the outfielder. So, I rounded second and was digging for third. Things were looking great. I dove in, wrapped my arms around the bag, and was safe. Whew! I finally made it to third. Don’t blow it. Wait, scratch that. DO blow it. That’s right. Here we go…..Hold up. Oh shit, that tickles. “Wait, stop tickling me. I can’t take it.” Quick, get back on the bag before you get tagged out. Stop moving’ around. Stay on the bag. “No, don’t stop, I’m trying to stay still. NOOOOOOOOOOOO.” I’M OUT!!!! Out, and embarrassed. How could I let this happen? A huge milestone in the advancement of my manhood, and I blew it. Actually, I didn’t blow it. I spent so much time twisting and turning, due to my extremely ticklish nature, I was unplugged from the socket. How sad. Ironically, she was more pissed than me. How is that possible? I spent 20 minutes trying to get her to give it another go, but it was all in vain. I’m beginning to see a trend here. Oh well. I would have to wait another year before finally standing my ground at third base. A whole friggin’ year. What a dumbass. At least my first homerun came soon thereafter. Yay, me.
Ok. These two examples are not life altering changes, but still things I wish had gone down (hee, hee) differently. I guess I just don’t like doing something stupid that gets people pissed at me. Who does? Bob is still my best friend, and I couldn’t care less what happened to Sharon. I’m sure she found guys that could get to third standing up. LMAO